Do you ever find yourself thinking that “there are just no good men out there?” Do you feel stuck in a dating wasteland? Are you terrified to show interest for fear of being awkward or rejected?

The first thing you should know is that you are not alone in thinking or feeling any of that. I am a 30 year old single woman living in Los Angeles, who also happens to be a dating coach. Talk about an awkward answer to the question “What do you do?”.

Not only are these things I have personally thought or felt, but they are also some of the most common frustrations I hear from other women who are frustrated, worn out and ready to give up on dating.

But here’s the secret, friend.

It doesn’t have to stay that way.

Showing Interest

Sometimes as Christian women, we think we can’t put ourselves out there, because we think it won’t allow space for the man to lead. But, I completely disagree!

Here is the truth: It is not unbiblical to show a man interest.

Take Ruth and Boaz. If Ruth had not made her move in the Shepherd’s field, what might have happened? Possibly nothing.  She’d still be staring at Boaz from afar, until eventually he got swept up by another woman.

So, in the name of our amazing girl Ruth, you can show a man you like him!  Then, as things progress, you can leave him room to intentionally pursue you.

By showing interest, you are not taking away from his ability to pursue, but giving him a green light and dropping hints that you are open to him pursuing you.

So now that you have permission to show a man interest, let’s talk about how that’s actually possible, shall we?

STEP 1: Know What YOU Have To Offer

We often have lists of what we want in someone else… but it’s about time you also brought a list of all the things YOU bring to a potential relationship.

You need to know this so vividly and solidly that it becomes engraved on your heart.

This is not pride, but confidence. 

Pride is an overestimation of yourself… thinking that you are the #bestthingever and are better than everyone. On the other hand, confidence is the result of a right and good understanding of your abilities and limitations.

Prideful people are not humble. Confident people know who they are and are willing to humble themselves.

Pride is a sin the enemy likes to encourage us to have, whereas confidence is a gift we can embody that comes FROM Christ.

Before actually putting yourself out there, you need to walk with utmost confidence, which comes from knowing the unique and wonderful giftings that God has given you.

So if you’re reading this and have a pen close by, grab it, and write down at least 5 things you bring to a relationship.

It’s time to stand firm, unshakable in your worth and value, and show up in confidence as you put yourself out there. Whether or not a guy is interested in you, you are no less worthy, valuable or loved.

STEP 2: Shake It Up

Okay, now it’s time to… shake it up!

I hear people say all the time that “there are just no good guys out there.” But, the truth is God made a lot of amazing men. Billions of men in fact. Let’s not make God small. 

So if you are saying there are NO good men out there, you are, in essence, telling God that He didn’t make amazing humans. You are also telling God that you don’t fully trust in His plans and process for you.

So, if you really are convinced that there are no good men, I have two things to say about this:

1. You are either doing the same thing over and over, thus not meeting anyone new.

OR

2. You might have blackout blinders on and not be able to see them!

Here is the truth:

• God is not going to bring the perfect man to your doorstep wrapped in a bow – you have to be ACTIVE.
• And also… there are plenty of good men out there… we just have to maybe change up a few things to find them!

So back to step 2 in this process… we need to shake things up!

If you are at home every Friday night watching Netflix, doing things with the same group of people all the time, or turning down invites to birthdays and events where you don’t know a lot of people, the probability is that you will not meet new people. You just won’t.

Instead, you need to shake it up. Here are a few practical ways to do that.

1. Go to that birthday party or event where you only know one or two people. 
2. Go to a new coffee shop. 
3. Sit on a different side of church this week. 
4. Try out a new workout class. 
5. Go to another church’s event (FYI, this isn’t cheating on your church, it’s just meeting more amazing believers, and there is nothing wrong with that!)

Don’t let yourself be weighed down by the lie that there are no good men out there when God has created a ton of them. And if you want to meet someone, be shameless about trying to change up your routine!

STEP 3: DROP THE HANKY

The last step to really putting yourself out there with confidence is to actually do one of my favorite things of all time: drop the hanky! A.k.a. show a guy that you are interested in him!

Now if you’ve never heard of this before, let me explain. “Drop the hanky” is actually an old Victorian term used to describe when women would drop their hanky at an event like a ball to catch the eye of a young, eligible gentleman. Friend, it might not be the Victorian Era now, but we can still make it known to a guy that we like them.

Let’s talk about the steps to dropping the hanky… shall we?

1. Get in proximity.

The likelihood of the guy you like spotting you from across church service, becoming overwhelming enamored with you, and then coming up to you after church is not very high (sorry to burst your bubble, my dear!). While you personally may know he exists (and maybe even Instagram stalked him… #guilty), there’s a pretty large chance that he might not even know you exist.

Which just means you have to get into his bubble! Make it known to him that you do exist and you’re interested in him.

2. Ask him questions. 

Once you get in proximity to him, you can and should actually ask him questions.

First, initiate with a low pressure, indirect question. You start by asking them something that is not about them. It is a great way to break the ice.

An example at church could be something like, “Wow that was such a good sermon, wasn’t it?”

If you’re in line at a coffee shop, it could look like, “Have you been here? What do you like best?”

After you initiate with this indirect question, it’s time to follow it up with a direct question, showing some curiosity about them specifically. An example of what this could look like would be asking something like:

“Are you from around here?”

Or maybe, 

“Do you usually go to this church?”

Show him that you think he is an interesting person. Don’t let the conversation die with just the basic indirect question.

Now here is the deal with dropping the hanky. Even if the conversation doesn’t go past the direct question, that’s okay. Embrace the win. YOU DID IT! Be proud.

You put yourself out there in confidence and went outside of your comfort zone, and that deserves to be celebrated.

You can do this.

Now the ultimate question is: how can you commit to shaking things up and dropping the hanky in your life over the next month? What new things can you go to? Maybe consider challenging yourself to talk to a certain number of new people per week?

It’s time to start owning your identity as an amazing, worthy woman of God, while also giving yourself space to embrace your beautiful desire to get married one day.

I believe in you, and I’m in the boat right alongside you. Let’s do this, sis!